Hardenend

On my last post, Jivin J from Jivinjehoshpat left a very interesting comment on the post below. He touched on a subject I have been mulling over posting and I have been thinking quite a bit about lately. Now I ask you to bare with me. What I am about to ramble on about is not fully baked and I am writing this as I go, so this could be a bit confusing. Jivin, I hope you don’t mind me using your comment as a jumping board.

We don't "trust women to make their own decisions" because a decision to intentionally end the life of an innocent human being is not a decision any human being should make.

Let’s just agree to disagree on this one. Arguing the “life” aspect of this topic is, pardon my French, a circle jerk. It gets us no where. And the last post aside, I have tried to keep this blog about me and what I am going through. But that leads me to the next statement.

What's interesting in this post to me is how your tone/language has changed thru the history of your blog. Before you had the abortion and even after your abortion, you used the word "baby" to describe the child that was in your womb. You even had a name for her. Now you seem mad and think pro-choicers should get riled up.

Jivin is right, I have been hardened. This is the part of the comment, which I had been examining on my own prior to your observation. My tone has changed, but not regarding my experience. If I have had any long lasting effect its that I firmly believe that abortion needs to remain a choice for any women. One of the reason I tried (ineffectively) to keep this blog geared towards my own experiences is because the political aspects can confuse the issue when I am talking about my thoughts, which don't always conform. So this post is going to be about what I politically think from a ra-ra political slant.

When I was pregnant I used the word baby, because I was trying to convince myself of what was going on. I was trying the wording on. Trying to see what fit. I felt like I had to think it was a baby, my baby. I kept thinking I was a cold, heartless bitch because I just didn’t. Society trains women to believe in there maternal instincts and what a glorious, beautiful thing this is. It was ingrained in my head that I wanted the white picket fence, the minivan (OK, I NEVER wanted the minivan, but you get the point) and the kids. I kept questioning why I wasn’t thinking this way. I didn’t want to admit to anyone how much I just didn’t want this. I felt nothing towards this “baby.” I tried to make myself feel something, I tried to believe I was going to be a mom and I just couldn’t do it. I knew, for my own sanity, I had to face this head on or I might regret it. So I made the decision to look at the sonogram. I remember I had a long conversation with X where he asked me if this was a good idea. I told him, I was going to see it, but he didn’t have to. To his credit he said whatever I saw he would see. I laid there looking at the blob on the screen and it didn’t change anything. I still have that picture. I, obviously, have no experience with having children, but I am sure I will love my children and will do what ever is necessary to protect them. But I also believe that a “maternal instinct” doesn’t kick in until after birth for a reason. Prior to that it is basic evolution, survival of the fittest. I think about being a mom, I can to picture my children, but it’s never that specific child.

Why the change? You almost sound like a NARAL e-mail now when before you had a true thoughtfulness/openness to you.

First of all....So? What Jivin perceived as thoughtfulness/openness I believe was naiveté. I was going through the motions of the angst I thought I should have been feeling. I was truly conflicted, but a lot of my inner turmoil had to do with what I though people were going to think of me and how they were going to perceive me. I honestly believed that I was supposed to want to be a mom, and blamed myself for the thought of going through with the pregnancy making my blood run cold. I now realize this is bullshit. I am the only person who I have to justify my actions too and the only person I have to be accountable to. If the fact that I refuse to judge myself or berate myself because I am not buying what the “patriarchy” is selling me means I am no longer thoughtful or open (or childish, or malleable, or pliable, or any of the other harsher terms for what that really means)… so be it.

You also note here in the comments that abortion was "truly a choice" for you when in April you claimed that "I felt and feel like there wasn’t another viable option." That certainly doesn't sound like you thought it was "truly a choice" in April.

In July, you quoted Julie and said that her thoughts of being "trapped and scared" were just how you felt at the time.

"Trapped and scared? Oh, hell yes. Violated? Most definitely. Violated by the presence of a heartbeat? Not all. I felt violated by everything, but the heartbeat." Do you remember writing that? That doesn't sound like "truly a choice" to me. You felt like it was a trap then but not now?

I stand by anything I have ever written here. It hasn’t always been pretty or make much sense, but its true, when taken in context. Here is where I think the true miss is in the Anti-choice movement, the ability to listen to women. Now I am not sure if this is because I didn’t make myself clear, which, honestly, is a definite possibility, but I have seen this in other situations as well. So for the sack of clarity, I will elaborate. I felt trap and scared by being pregnant, NOT about the abortion. There was no other viable option because there was no other way for me NOT to be pregnant. In that same post, I state that I would have done anything not to be pregnant. I just wanted it all to go away. I didn't want to have a baby. For me it was truly a choice, because in all honestly, I could raise a child, but there are women out there who just can’t and they are the ones who my heart bleeds for.

I felt violated because, to be blunt, I was about to lay on a table with my legs in stirrups, a light beaming on my crotch and a strange man’s head in between my legs. I think it’s understandable that I felt violated. I just wanted everything to be over, I wanted to be home. Yes, the procedure bothered me, but what I was doing didn’t. I had to have a biopsy once and I felt the same way. Frankly, I am not a big fan of being on display like that. But, it is a big part of the act of having an abortion (duh!) and I thought it important that if I was going to put my story out there that I be honest. Part of my truth is how uncomfortable situations like that make me. 

I do not regret my abortion, in fact I very rarely think about. I do not long for the child that never was, and I am happy with my current life. I know I made the right decision for me and that is why I think women need to get riled up. Because I never want a women who believes abortion is the right decision for her to be forced to carry a fetus to term. We don’t need to get riled up to increase the number of abortion, we need to get riled up to protect our rights and our bodies. We need to empower ourselves with knowledge and respect each other enough not to feed into the main stream bullshit. This blog has allowed me to grow as a person and to realize my voice is important and I don’t have to parrot what I have raised to parrot. I am not the same person I was prior to the positive pregnancy test, but I like this me better. I am not an angry person, but I am passionate about what I believe in. I believe I did nothing wrong.