Three Evils

I have made no secret on this blog that I understand I could have had a daughter and that the fetus I decided to abort was very much alive. I have been asked how I can reconcile these facts with my ability to be OK with the abortion. So I am going to try and answer to the best of my ability. I can’t promise it will be pretty or make sense, but I’ll try.

Pro-choice and pro-life groups get stuck in the same arguments.

“You’re killing a baby, It’s alive, it disserves to live. You don’t have the right to choice who lives and who dies. “

“It’s nothing more than a parasite, the mother is ‘hosting’ the fetus. It’s a cluster of cells.”

Both of these statements are fundamentally correct. I don’t have the power to chose who lives and who dies and a fetus can not live outside the womb. The pro-life camp likes to label women like myself as selfish and doing what’s best for her and they’re right. I will not deny what I did was selfish, but as a women I have a choice as so how MY life and the lives of the people around me will be effected. When I took a look at my life abortion became the best choice. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t pleasant, but it was what worked. The best way to explain this is to examine my other options.

Adoption:

I gave quite a bit of thought to this. There were two fundamental flaws. When you find out your pregnant the whole world shift and it becomes incredibly clear that you have NO idea how you will react until you are in a situation. Therefore, while I was thinking about adoption all I could was made the best guess as to how X and I would react. X and I discussed this and he made it very clear that he was not comfortable with this option. He was not comfortable with not having contact with his child. He would not sign adoption papers and I was not willing to have my child part of a huge battle. Adoption wasn’t a feasible option because of my career as well. I am young and new to my profession. There is no way I could have carried a baby to term and explained that to my customers and kept their respect. My job depends on them thinking I am a responsible adult, and like it or not I would have lost the respect of some very influential people. These two reasons were enough alone for me to realize that it wasn’t a viable option and I never had to even entertain my thoughts about giving up my child.

Parenting:

I know I will be a great parent, but I don’t think X will be. As stated above he was unwilling to have a child in the universe and not be apart of his life. I asked him if he would walk away and let me have full custody. There was a resounding NO. I didn’t want to subject my child to this. When I have children I hope that if it doesn’t work with their father that we will have enough respect for each other to be able to parent together. The respect was and is not there between us. More importantly I would have had to ask things of the people in my life that I was unwilling to do. Like I said, I new to my profession and still very wet behind the ears. I live in an area that has the highest cost of living in the nation. I would not have been able to do it by myself. My parents offered to move for me, but for reason I will not go into, this was not an option I was willing to pursue.

It became the lesser of three evils. The easy way out, so to speak. I realize that people who don’t agree with me will never understand my rational and I am not asking you to. I coped out, and I will be the first to admit that, but it was not the easy way out. I wrestled with all my options and I came to a good place because it was my decision and my choice. I came to understand that other factors in life trump a heartbeat.

Comments

[Julie Shockley]

{{Zygote}} - I posted an answer to you at Christina's blog, then came over here. I wish I had read this, first.

Now I think I see why you cried when you read my story - we heard pretty much the same thing from our babies' fathers, didn't we? What, do men keep a list of these lines somewhere?

It is not my right to judge you, and I won't, and I'll defend your right to live free of the judgment of other people, too. You did not make the choice lightly; it seems to me that you were boxed into it. I am deeply sorry for that.

[Zygoe]

Julie,
Thank you for the comment. When reading your story I definitely identified with how alone you felt and the distance between you and the father. I think men receive a hand book or something!

Your story made me cry for many different reasons, but mostly because I don't think anyone should be forced to do something they don't want to.

I appreciate your openness to put your story out there and wiliness to except mine.