Life of a Zygote

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I fucked up and I fucked up good…. I hurt someone that I really care about (let’s call him J) and why? Oh, just because I am a spiteful bitch when back into a corner. Or that’s what D told me today. And I was drunk, can’t forget the copious amount of alcohol I consumed. I am such an idiot, I woke up this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed.

The embarrassment is the worst part. I am completely ashamed of my behavior. I lost my shit, I went completely bat shit crazy. What did I do? I am glad you asked. I said hurtful, mean and unfortunately true things to my friend who is going though a tough time to begin with. I said it in the most condescending, bitchiest way possible. And then…. And then I called back crying, CRYING, to apologize. Blithering idiot! Why couldn’t I have had any freaking control and actually not called, kept my mouth shut? Ugggg I want to crawl under a rock right now.

I can’t believe that I ruined such a good thing. I know I hurt J. I know I hurt him in probably the only way I could. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to. We have only been talking for a couple of weeks, but we got along so well. There was a strange common ground we shared. An understanding of how we looked at the world and we talked about everything. I had preconceived ideas about him prior to our friendship forming and he turned them all upside down. He allowed me to see who he really was and I know how difficult this was for him. I ruined it, I know he’s shut the door on me. I was hurt and I couldn’t bring myself to admit why, so I lashed out. I should have kept my mouth shut, I should have walked away when I had the chance. I should have never started something that could never end well. Self fulfilling prophecies can kiss my ass.

Three Evils

I have made no secret on this blog that I understand I could have had a daughter and that the fetus I decided to abort was very much alive. I have been asked how I can reconcile these facts with my ability to be OK with the abortion. So I am going to try and answer to the best of my ability. I can’t promise it will be pretty or make sense, but I’ll try.

Pro-choice and pro-life groups get stuck in the same arguments.

“You’re killing a baby, It’s alive, it disserves to live. You don’t have the right to choice who lives and who dies. “

“It’s nothing more than a parasite, the mother is ‘hosting’ the fetus. It’s a cluster of cells.”

Both of these statements are fundamentally correct. I don’t have the power to chose who lives and who dies and a fetus can not live outside the womb. The pro-life camp likes to label women like myself as selfish and doing what’s best for her and they’re right. I will not deny what I did was selfish, but as a women I have a choice as so how MY life and the lives of the people around me will be effected. When I took a look at my life abortion became the best choice. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t pleasant, but it was what worked. The best way to explain this is to examine my other options.

Adoption:

I gave quite a bit of thought to this. There were two fundamental flaws. When you find out your pregnant the whole world shift and it becomes incredibly clear that you have NO idea how you will react until you are in a situation. Therefore, while I was thinking about adoption all I could was made the best guess as to how X and I would react. X and I discussed this and he made it very clear that he was not comfortable with this option. He was not comfortable with not having contact with his child. He would not sign adoption papers and I was not willing to have my child part of a huge battle. Adoption wasn’t a feasible option because of my career as well. I am young and new to my profession. There is no way I could have carried a baby to term and explained that to my customers and kept their respect. My job depends on them thinking I am a responsible adult, and like it or not I would have lost the respect of some very influential people. These two reasons were enough alone for me to realize that it wasn’t a viable option and I never had to even entertain my thoughts about giving up my child.

Parenting:

I know I will be a great parent, but I don’t think X will be. As stated above he was unwilling to have a child in the universe and not be apart of his life. I asked him if he would walk away and let me have full custody. There was a resounding NO. I didn’t want to subject my child to this. When I have children I hope that if it doesn’t work with their father that we will have enough respect for each other to be able to parent together. The respect was and is not there between us. More importantly I would have had to ask things of the people in my life that I was unwilling to do. Like I said, I new to my profession and still very wet behind the ears. I live in an area that has the highest cost of living in the nation. I would not have been able to do it by myself. My parents offered to move for me, but for reason I will not go into, this was not an option I was willing to pursue.

It became the lesser of three evils. The easy way out, so to speak. I realize that people who don’t agree with me will never understand my rational and I am not asking you to. I coped out, and I will be the first to admit that, but it was not the easy way out. I wrestled with all my options and I came to a good place because it was my decision and my choice. I came to understand that other factors in life trump a heartbeat.

Uhhhh Hi, I guess

Oh crap! People are reading this. All I had to do was leave one little comment over here and I have visitors...... reading........ Ummmmmm so I don't think that I thought this whole blog thing out all the way. Insecurities running rampant all over here. It is a bit disconcerting. I feel very much out there, but I guess it's a little late for that. I am glad your here, but I want to address some issues that I can see coming up in the future.

If you have read over my first couple of posts you might have noticed they are a horrid display of the English language. I have been tempted to go back and edit them, but I haven't and I don't think I will. I want to preserve the integrity of how they were written, so please excuse the typo's and the confusion. It's actually kind of fun to read through them and try and figure out what all the theys, this, its and so on's are actually referring to. We can make a game of it!

So my poor writing skills are trivial and lots of fun, but we are dealing with a touchy subject matter and the larger issue I can foresee are nasty comments. So I think that some basic guidelines are in order. Please feel free to say what you'd like, but do it in a respectful manor. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. My goal of this blog was never to be a political activist for either side, but just to share my story and possibly help someone else in a tough situation. You may say what you'd like to me, I am a big girl and I can take it. But, if any comment is left attacking or judging anyone else in the comment thread I will delete it.

So with that out of the way... Welcome, feel free to look around, comment or point and giggle at my bad grammar. Don't worry, I'll pretend I don't hear.