Due...

Today I would have been a mother. Today I would have been sitting here uncomfortable and screaming at X that he did this to me. Today I would have met my daughter, but I am not. Very rarely in life are we offered a glimpse of what the road not traveled would look like, but today I see that very clearly. I can see how drastically one decision changed (or didn’t change) the path my life was on. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in NY. I have daydreams and thoughts about it, but I don’t know for certain what it would be like. I know where I would be if I had kept the baby and it‘s caused some strange emotions and quite a bit of confusion. In my imagination I can see the other me, waddling around with a big belly, but I can’t relate to her. I wonder what I would be feeling, what the past couple of months would have been like. But I don’t know and there is a sadness in that.

Today I am thinking about all the things I don’t know because of the abortion. I don’t know what it’s like to feel a baby move. I don’t know what it’s like to not see my feet. I don’t know what my baby girl would look like. I was so close to all of that, so close I could almost comprehend it. I haven’t changed my view of my situation, I still believe the right thing, but today I am going to mourn my daughter. The laughter I’ll never hear, the first smile I’ll never see. Today I will honor her memory and all of the things I do know because of her.

I know Fear. I know the gut clenching fear of not having control. When I was pregnant, the thought of having anything beyond a baby that I could protect fully scared me beyond belief. The thought of my child driving a car literally made my blood run cold. How would I be able to protect this child. What if I couldn’t? It kept me up at night.

I know love. I now know love on so many different levels. I felt the love my mother has for me and how much she kept me afloat. I also heard the fear I felt in her voice, which caused it to resonate even louder for me. She was watching her baby in a situation she couldn’t control. At whatever age I do become a mother, I don’t think I will ever do it with as much grace and dignity as my mother does.

I know hatred. This was not expected, but an ever present part of that time in my life. I have never felt true hatred until a friend of mine found out I was pregnant and because of a history between us, this person deemed himself my personal advocate. He proceeded to tell everyone I know about what I was going though and then placing the blame on me. (She got pregnant on purpose, she’s dragging this out, she isn’t capable of raising a child….typical, ignorant, hateful things) He still does not understand how this could have hurt me.

I know inner conflict. I now understand how gut wrenching it is when you don’t know the answer. Digging though the muck and hoping you do the right thing. I understand how an abortion can be the right decision, but you mourn it none the less.

Most importantly I know compassion. I saw the compassion people had for me and I saw the lack of others. I experienced how a simple hug or a pause to let me speak freely made all the difference in that day. I have felt such strong judgment, that it caused me second guess strongly held beliefs.

All of these emotions feel tangible and accurate, but I wonder what it would be like to be the other girl. I wonder what would have happened. Would I be sitting there wondering what it would be like to be me? To wonder if I was ok. Would I be questioning how I would have dealt with the abortion. I wonder who I would have become and I wonder what it would have been like to see my child for the first time. Today I am sad.

Comments

[Christina]

I found your blog through another blog, and found it very moving and poignant. I've put you on my blog roundup, encouraging people to come here for a way to get a glimpse of what leads a woman to the abortion table, without any pre-cut rhetoric.

Hugs and prayers. There but for the grace of God go I.