Me? What? Never...

I seriously suck at this whole blogging thing. Initially I wanted this blog to be about my experience, but I am finding that I am lacking in stuff to right about. I am contemplating changing the direction and making this more about me and what is really effecting my life. Not sure yet, but this could get interesting. Or I could just end up sucking at that just as much!

Any who…

I have tried to keep my writing away from the politics of pro/anti-choice ideologies. But, frankly, I am scared. This whole SD thing has me freaking out. What scares me the most is the thinking of the women who used to be me. I can not count how many times the words “I am pro-choice, but I don’t think I could personally have an abortion” came out of my mouth. I want to smack myself. I was so naïve and so disillusioned. In theory there is nothing wrong with this , but in practice there are quite a few issues I have with this now.

First of all, there is a underlying judgment in this statement that makes me cringe when I think about who I said this too. I was putting it out into the universe that other women’s choices weren’t good enough for me. And looky who, jokes on me, when I was put in their shoes, guess what I did! I am not such hot shit anymore am I? The funny thing is I became more empowered and gained more self knowledge after going threw what I had been underlying knocking all this time. I was blissfully ignorant. This was also what I had the hardest time excepting when making my decision. Coming to terms with the fact that I had had a fire hose of societal bullshit feed to me most of my life was incredibly difficult. But this is a digression for another post.

Another issue I have is how it passes the culpability on to the “others.” The others being anybody but me, feminist, legislators, God, the next door neighbors, whoever. Being a product of an era post-Roe I could never understand the possibility of abortion not being an option for me. I just assumed that there would always be someone out there fighting for me. I could reap the benefits and not actually have to fight the fight. Roe was just part of my life, it was an assumed right, it was never in jeopardy of not being there. Ha! Again jokes on me! Once again, it took a long time for me to digest all the bullshit I had been feed.

Bottom line, and I am going to get on my soap box here, is we are complacent. My generation has embraced the it won’t happen to me mentality and let me tell you, it does happen to you. It happens to women all around us and we need to fight the fight. I can reach back to the pre-pregnancy me and hear my reaction to the SD bill. It would have been. “Ah, well, the Supreme Court will knock it down. I don’t need to worry and why should I worry it’s not like it will affect me. Different state, and plus I am careful. Crisis pregnancies don’t happen to people like me.” (It’s ok, I wan to beat me up too. )How scary is that thinking. Here is my uterus, do with it what you will. My only hope is the SD ruling will back fire in the Anti-choice faces. As women, we need to be Mad! Angry! Pissed! Whatever it takes. We need to riled up, realize that if we don’t demand our rights they will be taken away from us. We need to educate ourselves and ultimately we need to really listen to one another and stop unconsciously undermining one another. We need to get it out of our heads that what’s good for someone else isn’t good enough for you.

There are so many thoughts in my head. So many ideas and issues that I want to delve into in more detail. I feel like these post gloss over so many things. I guess I was wrong, I don’t lack things I want to write about, but I am bit overwhelmed with how much I want to get convey.

Comments

[Christina]

Zygote, do you think you'd have sought out an illegal abortion if a legal one that you perceived as safe hadn't been so available? (I'm not being a smartass; I really am wondering.)

[Zygoe]

Christina,
That is an excellent question and I really had to think about that. Ultimately I think I would have, but I would have waffled quite a bit more. Please keep in mind, my situation is no where near as dire and desperate as other women in a crisis pregnancy. When I was pregnant I realized how lucky I was that an abortion was truly a choice for me and not a light at the end of the tunnel as is for so many other women. Feeling even a tenth of the desperation that is out there made me much more understanding of our plight as a whole.

[Christina]

Can you understand that for those of us who came uncomfortably close to abortions, or who ended up having abortions we later realized we could have avoided, by far prefer that there be no easy way to fall into what we see as a trap?

To us, having abortion readily available is a way of abandoning women, just as, if I understand you correctly

[Christina]

Can you understand that for those of us who came uncomfortably close to abortions, or who ended up having abortions we later realized we could have avoided, by far prefer that there be no easy way to fall into what we see as a trap?

To us, having abortion readily available is a way of abandoning women, just as, if I understand you correctly, you see not having abortion available as abandoning them.

Are we understanding each other here?

[Zygoe]

I completely understand your thinking we just don’t agree. My question to you (and I am not trying to be a smartass either, I am genuinely curious) is why don’t you trust women to make their own decisions. If it is, as you say, a trap then isn’t it up to the individual to see it as such? Anecdotally, the 10 women I know in my life who have had an abortion are fine, well adjusted people who don’t regret their abortion. They, and I, don’t feel like we feel into a trap. We ended up in a situation, did what we felt was best and continued on with our lives.

[Jivin J]

Hi Zygote,
We don't "trust women to make their own decisions" because a decision to intentionally end the life of an innocent human being is not a decision any human being should make.

What's interesting in this post to me is how your tone/language has changed thru the history of your blog. Before you had the abortion and even after your abortion, you used the word "baby" to describe the child that was in your womb. You even had a name for her. Now you seem mad and think pro-choicers should get riled up.

Why the change? You almost sound like a NARAL e-mail now when before you had a true thoughtfulness/openness to you.

You also note here in the comments that abortion was "truly a choice" for you when in April you claimed that "I felt and feel like there wasn’t another viable option." That certainly doesn't sound like you thought it was "truly a choice" in April.

In July, you quoted Julie and said that her thoughts of being "trapped and scared" were just how you felt at the time.

"Trapped and scared? Oh, hell yes. Violated? Most definitely. Violated by the presence of a heartbeat? Not all. I felt violated by everything, but the heartbeat." Do you remember writing that? That doesn't sound like "truly a choice" to me. You felt like it was a trap then but not now?

You even wished in a way that abortion hadn't been legal so you wouldn't have to choose abortion.