I haven't discussed the D&C before because my thoughts are so unorganized about it. Honestly I haven't written much on this blog because I am unorganized about all my thoughts regarding my pregnancy. I'll feel one emotion at one time and another in five minutes. I find it difficult to pinpoint a feeling without contradicting myself in the process. This causes great difficulty when you are trying to describe how you're reacting. I have started writing hundreds of post, but never finished them for this reason. The more amount of time that passes the more articulate I find myself in my own head, so hopefully it will be more articulate when i write it down.
When I came across Julies post it really hit home and in a way that surprised me. I first came across this post about her D&C. But, her later post, linked above, was what made me start to think about my D&C. For myself I related more to her original post than to what she thought someone in my shoes would think. Hopefully Julie won’t mind if I address a couple of her statements. I respect her willingness to discuss the abortion issue. Unfortunately women who have an abortion are portrayed as feeling only one way towards the issue. Probably to help "The Cause." We are portrayed as women who are just itching to jump into the stirrups and have it done with. For me, this wasn’t the case. Thank you Julie being able to think about this and thank you even more for being willing to put this on your blog and all the backlash it could have caused.
The following is just how I felt at the time. I am sure every women’s experience is different.
Women with an unwanted pregnancy probably feel just as trapped and scared as I did. I felt utterly violated by this procedure I was about to undergo — and I imagine that women who don't want to be pregnant feel every bit as violated by the presence of a heartbeat inside them.
Trapped and scared? Oh, hell yes. Violated? Most definitely. Violated by the presence of a heartbeat? Not all. I felt violated by everything, but the heartbeat.
I never really thought of the emotional aspects of it — how many women who undergo abortions must be propelled by panic and desperation
I couldn't have said it better. But not exactly the kind of panic and desperation she goes on to describe.
As much as I longed for my pregnancy to continue, they long for theirs to end. As destroyed as I felt, they'd be just as devastated if they didn't have the option to terminate.
What caused the panic and desperation for myself was the whole experience. The whole wrongness of not being able to provide a good home and a stable family and more importantly a stable mother. As odd as it sounds, I never longed for my pregnancy to end. I longed to be excited, for people to rejoice with me, to decorate a nursery. But i had to except that I was terrified, people would cry in agony for me at hearing the news, and I couldn't afford a two bed room apartment to even have a nursery. There was a small part of me, that i am reluctant to admit I had, which wished it had not been legal to have an abortion. If for no other reason than to make my decision easier. Just like having strong faith in a religion would have comforted me so would've the law. Now, please don't misunderstand what I am trying to say. I am 100% for abortion being legal. I have heart palpitations just thinking about the supreme court possibly reversing the decision. But, and this is a big but, at the time I would have loved to pass the decision on to anyone. Regardless if that was God or Clarence Thomas. When you are desperate and panic stricken to not make the wrong decision, you wish you didn't have too.
This is why I relate most with the first post. Once again I hope Julie doesn't mind me quoting her.
I kept feeling this rising tide of panic, which I tried to beat back by reminding myself that nothing I could do would save the pregnancy, which was already over.
Tide of panic. It washes over you. Every fiber of your being screams. Admittedly i screamed a bit too. In my head it was over as well, but that didn't stop the overwhelming need to flee. To go throw myself down a flight of stairs, to be doing anything else at this moment, but THIS. I knew what outcome i wanted, but just.not.this.way. I was pleading with the universe for any other option.
I wasn't fighting against having the abortion, i was fighting against the situation. This is was what wasn't right, not the abortion, but what the outcome would have been if I didn't do it. I was simultaneously dreading having a child knowing i would fail miserably and of the process i had to go though to prevent that. I would have done anything for things to be different, but they weren't and this was what i needed to do. I kept thinking, if only things were this and if only things were that, if only i there was any other way. The what ifs are what rip you apart. I kept thinking "This is a big mistake, this wasn't supposed to happen to me." If only the pill had worked. If only i was married and could take care of this child. If only it's father wasn't a jack ass that you couldn't even trust taking care of a cat for a couple of hours. But there i was. My head knew i was doing the right thing, but that doesn't stop the wishing, with every fiber of your being, that you could be home watching TV with no comprehension of this feeling.
I think Julie and i both would have done just about everything possible to not have had our feet in those stir ups. She wanted her baby alive and healthy growing inside of her and I wanted to be able to parent or not be pregnant at all.