It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why I am having trouble with this. On the surface I can look at it and say “Well the last time I had sex was when I got pregnant.” Sad huh? This is very true. I am sure part of me is afraid of what sex means now. It’s not recreational anymore; the consequences associated with it are more severe and real now. But that’s only part of it. I am worried about how I will handle it. Will I freak out, will I start to cry, and will I make the man I am with stop because i can't go through with it? I don’t have anyone in my life right now that I would be comfortable taking the chance with. No one that I would show the scared little girl to, no one I can trust with that much of myself being out on the table. I don’t have a male here in CA that I trust on that level. X might be an option, but for other reasons completely unrelated that will never happen again. A previous ex of mine, that we will call…… E, is probably a more likely candidate. But even when that presented its self I couldn’t do it. Granted it was too soon then, it was only 2 weeks after. E probably would be the perfect person. He’s one of my best friends and has stood by me threw all of this, but I don’t want to impose on him. He’s amazing and I love him, I just can’t chance my reaction. The next option is a stranger, but with all of the messed up thoughts in my head I highly doubt I should chance my neuroses on a perfect stranger. Not that this is a safe or something I should do in any situation. So what options do I have? I am seriously considering just being celibate for the rest of my life. Do they accept nuns this late in the game? Maybe my father was right to want to chain me in the basement. Well, with the present evidence I am positive my father was right to want to do that.
So I sit here and day dream. Not about sex. The desire isn’t even that strong. It borderline disgust me. I day dream about the perfect guy sweeping me off my feet. I dream of the perfect life with the perfect man. I have conjured up ever detail of him and how he will treat me and the children I will finally be able to have (hopefully, my luck I am never going to be able to get knocked up again) I sit a patiently wait for this mystery man to walk into my life and I making sure to put my self in situations where he will find me. He won’t care about my baggage. He will understand and accept me and we will live happily ever after. Some how in my soul I know this is going to happen soon. I am sure I am just hormonal. I am not like this; I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But like Faith Hill says…."All i wanted was a white knight with a good heart, soft kiss, fast horse." So hurry up white knight….. I NEED ATTENTION and I could use a ride on a horse.