The weekends are the worst for me. During the week I have work and i am so tired all the time that i don't have time to feel anything. I feel more normal getting up every morning and interacting with people who are adults. Not that my friends aren't adults, but i guess the people i work with could be considered grown-ups, it makes me feel like a grown up. But then the weekend hits and that's normally when i would get to act like a 20 -something without a good career and responsibly. Ever since i found out i am pregnant the weekends suck!!!!
I never do anything. I haven't gone out it what feels like ages! I am either too tired or drunk people just piss me off. Its amazing how obnoxious drunk people are when you're dead sober. So Saturdays and Sundays are spent cleaning my apartment and crying in hysterics. I actually have time to think about everything and it hits me like a wall. This weekend was particularly bad because i made the appointment to have the abortion last Friday. My appointment is set up for next Thursday. I did this to force myself to make a decision. Did it work? Nope.
I am more confused then ever. My feelings have gotten stronger towards both options, but not in a way that makes sense. If i am thinking at the moment that i can do this, i feel so strongly that i can and this is what i want to do. If the moment is one where i think i can't do this, i believe in my soul that it is the right thing to do and i have to go though with it. I am such a mess that it's hard to deal with. I have just shut myself down emotionally. The thought of having a baby scares me to death, the thought of having an abortion scares me to death.
I am just not sure which choice is the right for me? How do i make this choice? How do i live with myself on Friday? Will i always regret not having my first child? Will i look at the children i have later in life and wonder what this baby will look like? Will i be able to watch all the ads on TV that have babies in them? Will i be able to look at children playing at the park and think i should be there pushing my child on the swing? Many women have an abortion and don't regret it, which i think is a great thing. I am not sure i am one of them. Today i am feeling very sorry for myself. I am in the mentality that i can do this. Who knows how I’ll feel in an hour. I would give anything to be in this situation and it be the "right" situation. The right guy, the right time, the right financially stability, but it's not and i can't change that.
I can't help but think about the other people involved. My parents have offered to move across country to help me, but i feel so guilty about that. My mother has said she couldn't live with herself being so far away from me while i went though all of this. I am so lucky to have my mom. She has been so amazing during this process and her support and love are the only things that are keeping me sane. Watching her though this process has made me want to be a mom. At the same time how could i live up to her example? She has been so good to me, my child deserves that too. X weighs heavily on me too. Part of me doesn't want to ruin his life, but the other part of really doesn't care. I feel so awful thinking that way. Sometimes i wish he was being a typical dirt bag and just walk away and let me do this by myself, but i know i need him so much right now. I hate that too, i hate being dependent on someone. Then i think that any guy i meet is not only going to have to deal with me and all my flaws, but a child and X. I can barely get a guy to stick or around (or a guy can't get me to stick either) for six months. In that situation i'll be sending them packing quicker than i can find them.
My head just feels so jumbled right now. I am getting down to the wire and i am no more closer to a resolution than i was the day i found out. I can't bring myself to look at the sonogram picture i have from my last appointment last week. I don't know, i guess i'll go do my dishes since they didn't get down this weekend. Last i checked tears weren't good for pots and pans. I apologize for this being so unorganized thought wise, but that's how i am today.